Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
