we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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