I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
