whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
