y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
