I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
