I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
