why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
