boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
