I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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