i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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