I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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