Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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