I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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