you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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