I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
