he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
