Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
