Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
