I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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