Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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