I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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