i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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