I love black thongs
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just gargled with NyQuil
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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