i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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