He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
