I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
