Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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