My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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