I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He did a backflip because drugs
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize