If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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