and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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