he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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