Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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