i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
