True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
cat food counts as protein by the way
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize