Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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