so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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