i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
