So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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