I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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