You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
