this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
