You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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