Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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