and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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