Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
