Plan B is the new Plan A
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
