i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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