Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
