come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
