somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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