But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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