totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
