We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
