i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
