my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just want nice things and good sex
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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