I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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